Thoughts from a recovering perfectionist: self-recording

Recording my own playing…just the thought gave me the heebie jeebies for a long time. Everyone says we should do it for a whole host of reasons, but sometimes the thought of it gives the eugh.

Well…I hate to say it, but they’re right.

“But I don’t like the way I sound on a recording”, “the minute I hit record all my skill goes out the window”, “it makes me nervous”, “what if someone else hears it”, “what if someone else hears it and gives unsolicited advice”, “but I know it’s for practice and improving but I just can’t stop doing takes until it’s perfect.”

Does that sound familiar? I see you (unless you don’t wish to be perceived, I totally get it.)

I too was once very put off by recording my own playing and listening back. Sometimes I still am…but I feel the eugh an do it anyway.

Here’s why:

Record to improve your playing

With recording my practicing, I can listen back after and catch any mistakes or things I didn’t like about my playing that I didn’t hear while it was happening. Yes, we can catch the really obvious moments that we need to really work on, but a lot of the time because we’re not listening from an outsider (outside the moment) perspective, there’s a lot we can miss. This is a very good way to learn how to teach and coach yourself.

While we listen back to critique - listen with a non-judgemental perspective. Don’t go “oh well I sucked”, “I hated my *insert element here*”, etc - but listen objectively, and avoid judgemental statements. Think as though the person in the recording is not you (technically it’s not, because you listening back is just that), perhaps pretend you’re listening to a friend, acquaintance, or a student.

Record to work with performance anxiety and/or perfectionism

Feel the fear and do it anyway? Yeah it’s one of those.

On years of reflection, personally, I felt a lot of my discomfort with hitting record came from my struggles with music performance anxiety and perfectionism - even though most of the time it was just going to be myself listening back.

I would get the tightness in my chest that came with anxiety and shallow breathing (think raised shoulders inhale) just thinking of hitting record. Eventually when I’d hit record I felt all my skill fly out the window, and I’d get nervous like I would when I’d play for people. Then that would snowball into judgemental inner-monologue while recording, judgemental statements when listening back (if I listened back), and just an overall feeling bad.

To work through this, I just kept doing it. I kept doing the uncomfortable thing, and really tried to use the mindset discussed earlier of using non-judgemental language, and objective, factual statements.

Upon reflection, I also felt as though a lot of my perfectionism fed into my performance anxiety and vice versa - one vicious cycle. I would do take after take after take (even though it was just for myself to find my own mistakes to fix later) to get the “perfect” take - even though perfect doesn’t exist in art, and performances can never be exactly replicated. I would try to force perfection when I was trying to do an activity for my own improvement. That doesn’t make any sense. A recording is an objective snapshot of yourself in that moment.

In letting perfectionism get in the way of getting an objective take, recording wouldn’t give me a chance to get used to performing in a stress situation. Then I would end up in a situation auditioning or getting adjudicated, because I couldn’t just have as many takes as I wanted, and I didn’t practice feeling the stress of being perceived/listened to, the bonus features of my flavour of performance anxiety would kick in.

How can I start to work through this?

Record, record, record.

Start by recording your playing. You don’t have to listen to it if you don’t want to at first. Just start by hitting the button. Keep track of it, and if you need an accountability partner for keeping track, keep track with a trusted friend, family member, or teacher. Someone you trust.

When you start to listen back to your recordings - listen objectively, and non-judgementally. As I mentioned earlier, listen to your recordings as though the recording is of someone else and you were going to tell them your critiques. Be constructive.

A next step is to have a trusted individual listen to your recordings after you listen back. You can ask for feedback, or you can tell them you do not want feedback - it is entirely up to you. As a flute teacher, if I were given a recording from a student my first instinct would be to want to give feedback, however I would make sure to ask if they want feedback first if they didn’t specify. Maybe they just want to get outside ears on it just to work through the eugh of someone else listening to their recording.

A step further would be have a small group of people have a listen outside of the comfort circle of the one trusted individual from earlier. Perhaps more friends, family, non-musicians, etc. Just more people. Make sure to clearly state whether or not you want feedback, because people love to give unsolicited advice.

If you’d like, try posting to your socials! Allowing strangers (if your accounts are public) to listen can be another layer to work with. Just make sure to establish boundaries and enforce them if you need to - a lot of people like to give unsolicited feedback and be judgemental when there’s absolutely no need to be. Be firm in your boundaries, and if needed don’t be afraid to hit the block button.

Change some variables

Just a few ideas to help with some of the twists and turns that might give discomfort while recording (and performing) - change some variables.

• Record from a different location

• Record at a different time of day

• Record with distractions happening around you

• Record after running a few laps around the block to get your heart rate up (especially if your flavour of performance anxiety gives you a racing heart)

These are just a handful of ideas of variables we can change in our practice, and recording practice to help create that steel trap in our focus when performing or recording.

Of course, these steps towards comfort in using self-recording as an improvement technique for performing as well as working through perfectionism are what I have found to be helpful and have seen improvement with other people. It’s not a one size fits all approach, but it may help in your journey.

If you would like to work with me on this topic, or have someone for accountability or to listen to your recordings - feel free to get in touch here or on socials.

And as always, keep going. You’ll get there.

You’re doing great.